Caring for Parents in a Country That Won’t

Seven years ago, my wife and I sponsored her parents to come to the United States. They arrived eager to work, and within a month they both had jobs. They eventually applied for and received citizenship — something they’re deeply proud of. To this day, they call America the “best country in the world.”

I’ll admit, I didn’t know there was a contest for that title. Growing up here, I thought America was pretty great too. The key word, though, is was. The America I see today isn’t the same one I grew up in. With the rise of authoritarian tendencies, Christian Nationalists pushing changes our forefathers once fought to abolish, and an economy wilting under rapid policy shifts, I can’t look at it through the same rose-colored glasses.

Still, my in-laws embody that classic immigrant drive. Even though they’re old enough to be retired, they see “work” as both identity and hobby. When I asked them once what they enjoyed doing for fun, they answered without hesitation: “Work.”

But there’s a problem. After seven years, they have no savings. Most of what they earned went back to support family and friends in Morocco. In this way, they fulfilled Zakat* and helped those in need. It is understandable that they were trying to be generous with what they’d received and help those less fortunate but, what we had hoped they’d have been doing was saving their money as much as possible for their eventual return to Morocco. Then, with that money in hand, retire comfortably and live out their lives. They grew up in poverty in a culture where survival meant living day to day. Planning for years into the future, let alone decades, was never part of their world.

That said, if they were living in Europe, this would have been fine. Keep in mind that they are paying taxes, spending money in restaurants, on public transportation, etc. They are functioning members of society here and are paying in to the services this country provides. The issue is that they are in a one-way relationship with their elected country; providing a portion of their pay (taxes) for very little in response.

What do I mean by that? (Feel free to skip this comparison portion if you like). Let’s compare a European country like France to the United States.

France v U.S. Elderly Services ›

HEALTHCARE:

When it comes to healthcare in France, universal healthcare covers nearly all costs. Small co-pays; supplemental insurance (mutuelle) fills gaps. Hospitalization, prescriptions, and long-term care heavily subsidized.

In the U.S., Medicare begins at 65. Part A (hospital) free for most, but Parts B, D, Medigap/Advantage cost extra. Out-of-pocket expenses are higher, especially for dental, vision, hearing, and long-term care. As it turns out, my in-laws don’t qualify for Medicare as they haven’t been in the U.S. long enough.

RETIREMENT:

In France, state + occupational pensions replace ~50–70% of income. Seniors receive predictable lifelong monthly payments. Senior poverty rate ~8%.

In the U.S., Social Security provides modest benefits (~$1,900/month average in 2024). Living in the U.S. means having a heavy reliance on private savings (401(k), IRA). Senior poverty ~12% and financial security varies widely.

LONG-TERM CARE & ELDER SERVICES:

In France, they have subsidized in-home help and nursing homes via APA (Allocation Personnalisée d’Autonomie). There are also tax breaks for adapted housing and home helpers.

In the U.S., Medicare does not cover custodial care. Assisted living/in-home care mostly private-pay, often very expensive. Medicaid covers nursing homes but, only after assets are spent down. For instance, I knew someone here in the U.S. who had an incurable disease and needed full-time care. As an older couple, they couldn’t afford a nursing home for her so they had to divorce so Medicad wouldn’t consider his meager income and they could get her care.

BROADER SOCIAL SERVICES FOR THE ELDERLY:

France offers transportation discounts, housing assistance, cultural subsidies. Local councils run senior centers, meal programs, and community activities.

In the U.S., programs like Meals on Wheels and senior centers exist, but funding is patchy. Services vary by state/city; nonprofits and families often must fill the gaps.

And so, here we are. We’re preparing to move to Portugal. We’ll be selling both our home and our second house where they currently live. Despite their daily hard work, they can’t afford to live here without us. Even if they could scrape by, with us moving to Europe, they don’t have a social safety net (like Medicare and other programs) to support them into their later years here in the U.S. Their only realistic option is to return to Morocco, where their pensions (mostly received from their time living on British, not U.S., soil) would allow them to live comfortably.

Yet they resist. They search for reasons to stay, latch onto the advice of friends who promise impossible “schemes” to work indefinitely, and cling to a vision of America that no longer exists for them. Unfortunately, this is true for many Americans - not just immigrants. So, our response is simple: Why?

Why keep working until the end of their days when they could retire near family who miss them? Why struggle when they could be sipping coffee on the Mediterranean, worrying about nothing more than what to eat for dinner?

Complicating all this is my father-in-law’s quickly declining health. His doctor is concerned for his safety - as are we. It’s clear he shouldn’t still be working. It’s time — past time — for both of them to rest.

Anyone with immigrant parents may recognize this dynamic. If you know, you know. My angelic wife has borne the brunt of it: hospital visits, endless paperwork, money management advice (mostly ignored), etc., etc… It’s been emotional labor for her and no epidural to take away the discomfort. The fact that she hasn’t thrown in the towel is remarkable, but she is, after all, an immigrant daughter. This is what’s expected — caring for your parents, no matter the cost.

So we hope that by selling the houses, we’ll encourage them to move back to Morocco. We believe that this will be a better location for them in the long run. From Portugal, we’ll be just a short flight away — about $40 if we need to get there quickly, versus ten times that if they stayed in the U.S. They’ll be near family, supported by pensions, and free to travel with the American passports we helped them obtain. They have children in Belgium, Dubai, and us in Portugal — they could visit all of us, and we’d cover the costs gladly.

To us, we see it as a gift, not a loss: the chance to live with dignity, to rest, to travel, and to be surrounded by the people who love them most.

Loving someone sometimes means stepping in when they cannot — or will not — make the choice themselves. As parents, we guide our children in this way. Now, as children of aging parents, we find ourselves doing the same. The roles reverse, but the principle remains: love is often expressed not in what’s easy, but in what’s necessary.

Of course, at the end of the day, we cannot take away all agency from them and they may still decide to find a way to stay in the U.S. We may not agree with that decision, but it is their lives after all. This brings to mind one of the oldest English proverbs there is, which translates to, “You can lead a horse to water but, you cannot make him drink.”

So I ask you: Do you have immigrant parents? Have you had to make choices for them that they resisted, even when it was in their best interest? How did you balance guilt, responsibility, and love? We’re walking that line now - and learning that love sometimes demands more courage than comfort.

* The third pillar of Islam, giving a portion of one’s wealth to help the poor and those in need. Usually it’s a fixed portion of one’s wealth of about 2.5%. It reminds believers that everything ultimately belongs to God.